The SalamanderToday I went for a walk in the woods, as I do on most days I don't work. But could not enjoy it, the spring air, the sun. My mind was too swimmy with human concerns: some dumbfuck ex-boyfriend who tried to play with my head this morning, whether the guy I'm seeing now is as sweet as he seems or just another heartbreak waiting to happen, stories I should write, stories I should submit, the new job I start tomorrow, how I'm finally moving out of my dad's house again. The nervous hope that everything will work. And the strange surrender that comes with knowing you're trying the best you can and there's nothing more.. After sauntering around the pond and through the trees, examining plant buds, but not really caring, I thought I'd lie on a grassy hill and stare at the sky. I looked down and something was squirming, just ahead of me in the soggy grass. Something dark and slimy, flipping its tail. A fish? A snake? It sort of looked like both.. I scampered back to the pond, broke off a reed to poke the creature with. Wasn't going to pick it up with my fingers. What if it bites? I gently lifted it onto the reed and noticed it's little arms and legs, it's bulgy eyes. It was a salamander. Black with blue spots. Would've been the cutest damn thing if its guts weren't spilling out of its middle. There was it's bladder, a yellow pea. There were its intestines, curly like doll's hair. Poor salamander was fucked up beyond healing. Condemned. Some piece of shit kid with no respect for nature must've caught it, maimed it and left it there on the grassy hill to die in the sun. I had to put it out of it's agony, spare it the long and dry death. So I picked it up by it's slick little tail, carried it to the water. Told it, "You'll be a lot more comfortable here" and "remember me in your next life", then tossed it gently into the pond. The salamander vanished with a splash and I cried a few tears. It's been on my brain ever since. I can't worry about anything else but how it must feel to have a hole ripped in your stomach.. The cruel beauty of nature is the only thing I really "believe in".
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