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Monday, August 29, 2005
Hi, I'm a moron. How are you today? So I've been gone for a while, as you've probably noticed. I lost my blogger password and requested it 5 times and for some reason, it wasn't getting sent to me. I got pissed and looked up the phone number for google. My conversation with tech support went like this: Geek: Hello, google support. Allison: GET ME BLOGGER! I WANT TO SPEAK TO BLOGGER! Geek: Uh.. who's blogger? Allison: GET ME BLOGGER! Geek: Is that a person? Allison: THEY WON'T SEND ME MY FUCKING PASSWORD! etc, etc.. and to make a long, strange story short, I opened the spam folder on my email account and sure enough, there was my password sent to me 5 times. So here I am. 1. Listen to me and Frank's podcast at dopescrew.us DO IT! NOW! YOU ARE COMPELLED! The first episode sucks, but the second is good. Leave a comment or email us and we'll read it on the show. 2. Here are some actual instructions for dolphin sex. "They feel warm and muscular inside, their labia like tough, squishy sponge when they are excited. Don't be surprised if they start to play with your hand inside them. They have very manipulative muscles, and can use them to carry and manipulate objects, including your hand. (They can do things that would make a regular human woman turn green with envy.) Their climax tony says hi is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimes a lot of thrusting, clinching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation." | Monday, August 22, 2005 Bad monkey! Put that thing away. Monkey Cuming Wheee! | Thursday, August 18, 2005 Good morning. I'm doing fine, too. Sorry, I was just a little antsy, last night. Why? Because it's the end. Of something. I just know it. Gas is almost 3 dollars a gallon, school starts in under 3 weeks. These are doomsday signs. And when December comes, I graduate college and have to start my grown-up life. Which probably involves staying here in my dad's living room until he kicks me out, then getting married so I have a place to live. Perhaps I'll write a book, but more likely I'll just get pregnant and force my kids to write, to the point where they can barely type an e-mail, they're so traumatized. This is the way of the suburbs. Perhaps I'll find some sort of "good job", which means a living wage and not wanting to kill my co-workers every day. But more likely, I'll keep up my pattern of getting fired after 2 weeks for "not fitting in". It's true. I've been fired with those 3 words many times. People don't like to work with me because I don't enjoy TV and burgers and Cubs games and office gossip. But enough of this whining. Life sucks for everyone, just in different ways. And I don't mind when things are bad, so long as they're interesting. What I want to do is buy a farm, or at least a large patch of land somewhere pretty and secluded. Get a few friends to move there with me. Start an alternate society. Yeah, call me a redneck hippy. But when the oil runs out and you fuckers are stranded and starving in the city, I'll be sitting down to a breakfast of fresh eggs and just-picked apples. Mmm.. | Wednesday, August 17, 2005 DAMMIT, I ASKED "HOW ARE YOU TODAY?" SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FUCKING DAY YOU LOUSY COMMENT CRETINS!!!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOU TODAY? HOW ARE YOU TO-FUCKING-DAY!!?!?!? -<3- Allison S | Tuesday, August 16, 2005 Okay, enough about my fucking hair. How are you today? |
By Request..  Here's me with no hair. A girl at work called me "Sinead". =*( The picture sucks, but you get the idea. | Monday, August 15, 2005
 Wigtastic! To deal with the tragic loss of my hair, and with it my self-confidence and femininity, I have bought a wig. It's a cheap costume wig, but it's fun. So it will stay on my head until my real hair grows back. (As you can see, my $20 digital camera is well on its way to the garbage can.) | Saturday, August 13, 2005
EYEBALL SEX!  It's me, reading old French porn: a scene in which a young girl fucks the eyeball of a dead priest. |
Calories Burned During Orgasms
Now that's my kind of exercise! Calories Burned During Sex The gym is for ugly yuppies. | Friday, August 12, 2005 Something Sad Yesterday, I chopped off my hair. Went scissor happy. Chop chop chop, la la la.. until there was nothing left. I won't post a picture. It's that bad. So look down at my kitty pictures and imagine me, but with hair so short, it looks shaved. Yeah, I don't do well as a bald chick. My face is sharp and kind of manly. I still have the bangs, at least. Donations of hats and head-scarves will now be accepted. Something Happy  Oooooooo! Squishy squishy! So pretty and purple! And POISONOUS! Makes my nipples hard. tee hee! | Thursday, August 11, 2005 The Furry Assistant  Yes, that's me in the ears. Photoblog at NIL Gravity of the Wizard World comic convention. | Tuesday, August 09, 2005 Yeah, this about sums me up. I am 50% White Trash. I may have been raised white trash, but I have escaped to find the other side. Even now my white trash traits sneak out, like drinking beer from the bottle at a restaurant. I am 95% Tortured Artist. Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood. |
She's not my girlfriend. She's just having my abortion because the dog is hungry. The dog's name is Rollo. He dwells in the plague-ridden, school turned car repair shop/outpost of drunken explosions, mentioned in my first two audioblogs. Rollo will eat ANYTHING! Such as: - Cat shit (his favorite). - The decaying head of a cat, found in a field by another dog. The cat had been missing since December. - 3-year-old tortillas soaking in a baggie full of soupy, green and black mold. - The latest plague out there is flies. There's this fly-attracting goo. It smells like the smelliest shit you've ever smelled, times ten. You poar it into a gallon jug, leave the cap open. The flies buzz in and and drown in the goo, then float there with their eyes all buggy and red. Rollo got a hold of one of these jugs and of course, had himself a feast. His face and matted fur were dripping with goo and caked with dead flies. He smelled like shit for months. - One of the sick kittens I was trying so hard to save last weekend has died. I halfway suspect it's little, pus-oozing body has become a meal for Rollo. - And of course, my abortions. Ha ha just kidding. Girls like me don't get pregnant. We start each day with a breakfast of Ortho Tri-Cyclen (free from the Cook County Dept. of Public Health)! Which leads me to the dumbfuck quote of the day: "Birth control is for sluts and girls with irregular menstrual cycles." That's from the blog of a certain enemy of mine. Q. Why won't stupid people stop breeding? A. Attitudes like that. I'm sure you'll make a great mom, moron. I like my boyfriends too much to ruin their lives with unwanted offspring. And I don't want to spend my glorious early 20's changing crap-filled diapers. Well, I spose I could feed them to Rollo.. haha | Sunday, August 07, 2005
Gentlemen, get your cocks out! Ladies, lube up your dildos! Here's an excerpt from The Parking Space Fetish, read by me: (No, it's not true, you sicko!) |
Where the Fuck I've Been Part 2: Eyeballs and Palm Trees |
Where The Fuck I've Been Part 1: Comics and the Plague | Monday, August 01, 2005 Mykeyboardis posessed. Thespace barisbroken, totypea wholepostlike this would driveme and younuts. Solakeallison is temporarilydraineduntil Igetanew keyboard. |
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