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Thursday, March 31, 2005
I sware to fucking ZEUS...yes, ZEUS.. that I will get some writing done today. If not, may lightening strike me!!!!!!!! | Wednesday, March 30, 2005 Went with my journalist friend Soren to conduct an interview at an afrocentric elementary school in Woodlawn. I think what they're doing at the school is awesome. Helping the kids become familiar with and proud of their culture and history. Their test scores have been improving faster than those of any other Chicago public school. Undoubtedly, this is because the kids feel secure and welcome in their learning environment. However, the woman we interviewed said one thing that I wholeheartedly do NOT agree with. She said, "Black people can't be racist." And before my jaw could drop, Soren asked in his gentle way, "How so?" And she said that racism is, "when white people use their privilege to deny black people jobs and other rights" and since black people don't have "privilege", they can't be racist. I wanted to ask: What if there was a teaching job open at your school? A highly qualified candidate comes in to apply. She is friendly, has excellent references, experience teaching at urban schools and an interest in African culture. But she is white. You have the "privilege" now. Would you hire her? (I suspect not.) Or maybe I just don't and can't understand. | Tuesday, March 29, 2005 So I go on spring break and what happens? I dream about school. It started with me in the city, in a new apartment with new roomates. We had tried to scrape the paint from my ceiling, since it was this hideous tangerine color and wound up scraping too far, so far that wires from the attick spilled down from the hole and into my room. We were very distraught over this, so we went to the bar for a drink. I guess we were out late, because the next morning I slept in. I was supposed to wake up and go to this tutoring campout, with all the fiction tutors and their tutees. Janine and Viki and Darwyn came to my apartment to wake me up. I followed them to the blue line in my pajamas. At the campsite, there were kiddie carnival games set up. Like where you have to toss coins into cups and bottles and if you get one in, you win a prize. My mom was there. She was young and blonde and pretty. She handed out prizes for the games. I couldn't get any coins in, at first since I was tossing them underhand. Once I tossed them overhand, I got one in and won a giant stuffed ladybug that squeeked when I hugged it. Soon, Darwyn and another guy stood in front of the crowd wearing caveman outfits. The rest of us gathered under fluffy, white blankets and listened to them speak. Only we didn't call them blankets. We called them things like, "Angel dust" and "Catastrophe". I was cuddled beneath "Catastrophe" with Janine and her tuttee and some really skinny dude. Darwyn began to call out names. He said mine, so I wrapped myself in "Angel Dust" and followed him and the others who were called, up the hill, on a red dirt trail, through a cluster of young, pine trees. On the wall (Wall? I thought we were outside!) there was a poster with some kids carrying US flags. The caption to it read, "Children Marched in the Flag Day Parade and Nobody Noticed." | Monday, March 28, 2005 The woods has a parking lot.. The flashy servant came here in her SUV. I'm poor but I am free. Expecting nothing makes me unaccountable, unaccounted for. The tree puts a spider shape in her window reflection, in the web of her SUV and she stretches her neck. My feet on the dashboard, I am sick but I am brave- my bangs are bleached in silly contrast to the darkness of my eyebrows. She is a natural blonde. Her coat is light, light blue and mine is black. Somebody talks in another car and I think they are saying "wolf!" |
Last night the lake drew me to it. I wound up beneath the big moon on the sand, once again. Back where I spent each day of my summer. Back where Claire and I would howl at the storm clouds. Beneath somebody's window. A lighthouse on the dark horizon, glass mammoths of the loop just beyond that. A perfect triangle formed between the moon and the lake and me. I felt the fresh soaring of energy between us. A cyclone to hit all 3 points. There were stars out. | Sunday, March 27, 2005 Note: This is not about you, Stan. =) That said.. Can't you bitches get a fucking hobby? Am I so important, are your lives so boring that you have nothing else to do but bother me? I don't know about you, but I have much bigger things to worry about. Jesus fucking christ..your entire blog, practically is you quoting and distorting my blog entries. You seem a bit obsessed with me. Really, I'm flattered, but leave me the hell alone. I would appreciate it if you would NOT use my name in your blog. I could probably sue you for deflamation of character or something, or even for quoting me directly without my permission, or hell, for locking me out of my residence, but unlike you I am not an overly letigious, money-hungry bitch. I settle things on my own and reserve the court for murders and rapes and things like that. I'm sure you have pleanty of thoughts besides your hate for me. Why not write those down in your blog? I'm sure they're MUCH more interesting. You know, even now, after all this shit, I would still not dream of doing something like this to you. Either of you. I just can't fathom making a friend of mine homeless and possibly in trouble, over money. I told you. I get paid the 1st and the 15th of every month. I gave you as much as I could on the 15th, kept only what I needed for gas so I could get to school. The rest would have come on the 1st. 2 weeks. 2 fucking weeks. $150. That is all I owed you. It wasn't my fault you had a negative bank balance. You're making almost $12 an hour. And shit, I didn't spend it.. So you blew your cash and needed someone to blame. Grow the fuck up. Again, why not get a hobby? Channel some of this energy into something productive. Or better yet...go get laid! I'm sure it'll lighten you up. It's a lot more fun then playing suburban-4th-grade-girl games. This is the last you'll hear of me. As the old chiche says, "I refuse to fight a battle of wits with the unarmed." |
Went to easter lunch. The idea of easter is silly: a holiday to celebrate someone's raising from the dead nearly 2000 years ago. If it didn't have the religious backing, everybody would realize how goofy the premise is. And whats with the bunnies and eggs? Oh well, I like bunnies and eggs. And I like to see my family. They're pretty cool. I have no "lifelong friends" who haven't fucked me over, so my family are the only ones who have known me before I was like this. Before I was so tragic, pink-haired and witty. I don't have to act my part around them. I don't have to sound as interesting. This was my dad's side of the family. Everyone looks really Irish and has a college degree. But since my dad has just started talking to them after 10 years of not..I think they are wary of him. And thereby wary of me. Me and my cousins watched a DVD of some guys called the Yes Men who impersonate the World Trade Organization and give joke presentations to corporations. For example, they gave one in which they suggested that toilets at McDonalds in America should have pipes running down to burger assembly lines in 3rd world countries, in order to "recycle" the meat. The funny thing was, when they gave these presentations to the highly educated corporate types, the audience took them seriously. They were invited to luncheons afterwards. When they gave these presentations to high school kids, though, the kids got offended and threw things at them. What else. Heard the same old stories. Like how my grandma was my grandfather's legal secretary and how he proposed to her while they were riding down Lake Shore Drive, just a month after they met. How I got my..uh.. lack of height from my French great-grandma Clara. How my dad was born during the hottest summer ever recorded in Chicago. Got lots of compliments on my tattoos. My aunts and uncles and cousins see me as sort of a bohemian novelty. They talk to me about books and tell me how cool it is that I write. Not like my mom's side, who all seem to hope I will find a nice guy and start popping out the babies, soon. Yeah right..now what would I want with a nice guy? |
Feeling better this morning. Well, maybe not better, but my illness has reached a point of stasis. I don't feel worse. I am glad my body responds to vitamins. It's almost amazing. That little capsules of C and zinc can help my immune system clear my nose and extinguish the flames in my forehead. I'm sure I would feel a whole lot better if I found out exactly which nutrients I need each day and which foods are making me sick. I should learn more about nutrition. Well, that said I am off to easter lunch where I will enjoy a delicious tofurkey! | Saturday, March 26, 2005 So it has finally hit me. The frantic distraction of Story Week has ceased, no more days of readings and nights of round after round at the bar. No more schmoozing with VIPs and dancing until my feet bleed. I am left now to contemplate my sickness and my grim life situation. Here is the living room: two couches, a dusty entertainment center with a tv, a VCR and a stack of tapes, mostly kid stuff nobody has watched in 10 years. A cabinet with my dead mom's nick-nacks, pretty rocks and chipped ceramic birds. Then there is a desk with my computer and printer. Oh yeah, and cardboard boxes of my posessions, mostly clothes and books overflowing onto every inch of the carpet. The walls have childhood pictures of me and my sisters dressed up and posed like dolls at the K-mart photo center. On one end of the room, my dad has been drunkenly trying to put together my futon frame for about an hour. Kneeling on the floor, bewilderedly turning screws and causing crash sounds. Earlier this evening, he drove my car to the store to get me some soup. If I wasn't so delerious with fever, I would have built my own futon and got my own soup, of course. Oh god I can't stand this. My dad and his girlfriend in the kitchen, now. Talking talking talking..about the lightswitch, the laundry, the car insurance. There is no door between the kitchen and living room. I must watch them kiss and smell their steak and hear them babble for as long as they are awake. I can't stand this. PLEASE somebody take pity on me. I rarely beg for pity. I do not deserve pity, since my circumstance is my fault. But if anyone has a spare room, hell even a very large closet, I could pay around $300 a month, starting on the 1st.. My ex-room mates will read this and laugh. Oh but you see, kids..the joke is on you. What you are doing now...well, that's what you'll do until you die. Slaving around in this cruel, boring suburb. While I at least have some hope of higher enjoyment. To create something besides a mess. But for now, yeah, things suck. Too bad I'm too dysfunctional and kinky to have a steady boyfriend whose bed I could sleep in. =/ I know I am best in small doses. Too bad I can't take myself in small doses.. |
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*eh heh* *eh heh* *hack* *hack* *splat* The air gets wet when the seasons begin to change and my lungs fill with phlegm and blood. My forehead burns and a chill shakes my spine. My joints ache, my chest stings. Well, hello Bronchitis. I can't say I've missed you. And you have made me much too weak to get angry with you. I mean, it was sort of polite to postpone your attack until spring break. At least now I have the luxury of spending every waking and sleeping hour in bed..er..couch.. cuddling with you until you get bored and leave. Though there are other, non-viral beings deserving this honor more. I want some pea soup. *bawl* | Friday, March 25, 2005 Ohhh Thursday night!!!!! Why can't it always be Thursday night!!!! | Thursday, March 24, 2005 I think I am diabetic. Ever notice that if I am sad and spacey and cranky, all it takes to cheer me up is a snack? And if I have too much sugar, I'm crazy bouncing off the ceiling and chugging water and then running off to the bathroom? There are other symptoms, too that lead me to think this: chronic infections, slow-healing injuries, blurry vision, relatives who have diabates.. I think I should go buy some health insurance. |
Ok, so the reason I was feeling so damn self-satisfied on Tuesday was that I read a particularly nassty scene from Happy Hour at the open mic and simultaneously aroused/offended about 60 people. Not bad. Some turned purple, some turned red. Some sat and watched me with their tongues hanging out. A few walked out. (!) Well, I was impressed with me. Last night at the Metro was wild. Some awesome readings. And the Smart Bar afterward was borderline Roman orgy.. Students, teachers, writers, agents all on the dancefloor together. Writers are fun. We party like rockstars while still looking so damn classy. Oh yeah, and if you ever see me getting drunk while wearing high heels again, give me a good, hearty slap on the ass. My legs are covered in bruises from trying to walk in them, unsuccessfully. ("Hello floor") And the soles of my feet are ripped up and bloody from trying to dance without them. OWIE!! | Wednesday, March 23, 2005 Anything I posted here now would be disgustingly self-celebratory. I'll wait till I'm humbled down to write about today.. Ohh it was a good day!!!!!! | Monday, March 21, 2005 So I've been thinking.. when someone rejects me without really knowing me, it can't be because of me.. and if someone who claims to care about me doesn't stick by me when I need them, I am better off without their farce. I can't wait to spend this paycheck on things that aren't rent! Like a yummy dinner with drinks and I'm paying. (Wanna go?) Or to print up some nice looking copies of the erotica magazine I'm helping to put together. (That's right everybody! Send me your smut!) Whats hard is knowing when it is strong to forgive, and when it is self-deprecating to stay close to somebody who betrays. |
What I learned from Marcela Landres this morning, |
jesussucks.com | Sunday, March 20, 2005 So..back at home. Random quotes from my father: "Chicken from a box is always good." "I like it when martial arts guys get bonked." (Bonked meaning killed) "One person telling another what to do is based on the assumption that there is a God." (Woah...) | Saturday, March 19, 2005 When things go bad are you ever happy about it? |
Today, I got new underwear. I should smell 75% less like cunt for at least a few weeks. =) | Friday, March 18, 2005 oh my..
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I really need a better place to live. This is fucking rediculous. If anyone knows of somewhere cheap where I wouldn't need to sign a lease, let me know. I took the keys, the other day and made copies. I came home today and realized the copies don't work. I ran into the landlord in the hall and asked if the keys were the kind that can't be duplicated. He pretended not to speak English. So I drove around Buffalo Grove like a moron and finally found Josh and Jessy at Dairy Queen. Jessy said, "Josh has the keys." Josh said, "Jessy has the keys." Turns out Josh locked our only set in the apartment. Neither of them seemed to give a fuck. "Oh well, we'll call the landlord in the morning." Yeah, easy for you two to say. You have boyfriend's/girlfriend's houses you can stay at. I'm stuck here on the stupid couch without my toothbrush and without a change of clothes. I haven't been home for 2 days. I got no sleep last night. All I want is a shower and a nap! Besides, the apartment is an hour and a half away from school. There is stuff (not my stuff) strewn about every inch of the carpet. We don't have a couch and haven't bought parking passes. So yeah, fuck that place. Fuck the suburbs. I want to come home to the city and live with people who aren't dysfunctional. |
I want this shirt |
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Last night: that was fucked up. | Thursday, March 17, 2005 Ohhhhhh yes oh yes my mind's eye is happy!!!!!!! You fuckin made my day. teeheheheheehehehe! |
Ohh yeah my life rocks! As always! First, I got dumped last night. I'm not sure. It was a weird conversation. But I think my sweetie finally got fed up with my awfulness. I hope not. I don't think I'm worth giving up on. I would like to think that my good points outweigh my bad. I'll miss him. He was good to me. I really don't want to go back to being a lonely whore again. Second, I got in a car crash! Yay! Car crash #6! It wasn't so bad. I just backed up into a car which simultaneously backed into me. It was some high school girl in her daddy's ride. Once we figured out there wasn't any damage, we stood there in the snow and laughed and laughed for 5 minutes. It was sort of fun. Like a carnival ride. It cheered me up. Until..I found out a good friend of mine is most likely off to Iraq in April. Oh horray god bless amerikkka.. | Wednesday, March 16, 2005 Wow! I started to cry and somebody gave me a cookie, then somebody else gave me a hug. Ask and you shall receive! |
Sometimes, like today, I feel huge and gaudy. Like I'm 50 feet tall and 80 tons and trying to dance ballet and everything I say sounds like a swear. I think I need to eat and sleep more. When I am hungry or tired, I feel uncomfortable in my human body. I start to hate being in here, which leads me to think that everyone else must hate my being in here, because everyone always agrees with me, right? haha I just want things to get how they were a month ago. The weekend of Jessy's birthday. That was the last time I really felt friendly and peaceful. Like I finally had somewhere, some people I could be comfortable with at last. It is wearing on me to live this coin-flip life. For a few weeks, I pulled it off. Being one person while at home, another at school. But sometimes the art-snob goes off on a pretensious tirade and alienates without mercy. And sometimes good old drunk and reckless "psycho Allison" forgets how to talk about writing. Somebody give me a hug or a cookie before I start to cry. | Tuesday, March 15, 2005 New Happy Hour posted! Read read! |
I have been trying to post all afternoon. Blogger bites! HARD! Anyway, yes, drank too much last night. Have floated about in a dehydrated fog all day. Went for a picnic in the woods. That was pleasant. Now I should be writing. What do you think Happy Hour would sound like in 1st person? I'll give it a try.. Happy birthday M.R.S. Doyle!!! =) |
AHHH MAKE THE EVERYTHING STOP SPINNING!!!!!!!!! | Monday, March 14, 2005 Ohhh crazy Mondays!!! How silly I am! SILLY SILLY SILLY SILLY!!!!!!!!!!! Thinking I could handle a 10am science class followed by a 2 o'clock tutoring session followed by work from 5-10. And I am even sillier because, yes I can indeed handle it. I am a supermanichyperhuman who can go without food and sleep (but not caffiene) and function spectacularly! YIPEEE! GIMME MORE COFFEE!!!!! I should shower more often. | Sunday, March 13, 2005 First dull weekend I've had in a while. Relaxing, I guess. | Friday, March 11, 2005 I'm okay. How 'bout you? | Thursday, March 10, 2005 Pardon my last post..I try so hard not to bind myself to morals. I don't really believe that there is one code of behavior that can apply to everyone. But I have such a problem not necessarily with death, but with corpses, dead bodies, including meat. It just freaks me out that a piece of matter that once breathed and spoke (mooed, clucked), ate, walked and shat can shut down and cease to be animate. |
Usually, my philosophy is, eat meat if you want, just don't make me do it. However, today, I snap. #1 way to piss Allison off: Lecture her on why she should eat meat while she's hungrily scarfing her veggie burger. Don't even try this. You have no argument: 1. It takes 10 or so pounds of grain to raise 1 pound of beef, starving kids in Africa and all that. No, not on my conscience. And not from my wallet. Shit, meat is expensive! 2. I have a 40% less chance of cancer. And also other health benefits that I am currently too angry to remember. But will recall them with a grin when I am not dead of a heart attack at 50. 3. Farming is not natural. If you go out and kill a deer, by all means eat it. Perhaps I would eat it, too because it isn't hormone-pumped and salt-packed. "Well, animals eat meat." Yeah, and animals shit on the ground and sleep outside. Why don't you do those things, too? We have the technology, now so that we do not need to eat once-living flesh for our vitamins and protein. Even Einstein said that vegetarianism is the next step in human evolution. 4. Don't knock soy until you've tried a tofu dish prepared well. Soy is the perfect food, it is rediculously healthy and can taste like anything you want it to. Yes, even meat. 5. Vegetarians taste better. Trust me, I know these things from experience. And if you want some proof, lick it bitch! *Points down* 6. "But you're limiting the places you can eat." Shit! You mean I can't choke down crap from McDonalds? Oh man! I'm deprived! Don't forget there are only, what 5 or so kinds of meat (unless you're talking wild game, which is different..see #3) as opposed to the dozens and dozens of fruits and vegetables. 7. I think cows and chickens are cool. Got a problem with that? 8. Oh, I could go on and on..the point is, veggies are the future, assholes. So shut the hell up. | Wednesday, March 09, 2005 In an effort to try and cheer myself up, I am shamelessly submitting myself. Er..no...not like I used to with getting tied up and whipped and all that. I've been sending out stories and poems to various magazines, sending my resume to jobs that seem bearable. (I need to make more $ or my room mates will chuck me off the balcony.) Here's hoping that I will have something new published, or a 3rd job very soon. Nothing motivates me like rejection. Sure, I'm a terrible girlfriend, but I can write a story. It all evens out, somehow. |
Why am I so easy to give up on? | Tuesday, March 08, 2005 I'm sure you've all heard about the chick who went to my high school (Buffalo Grove) who died in the lake. Well, I just saw this. And holy fuck..I knew her. My gym locker was next to hers. We had some on-going joke about a mouse.. This fucks me up. | Monday, March 07, 2005 Oh! How did I forget to mention..I re-dyed my hair! I am pink pinkety pink once again! Horray!!!!!! |
Everything seems to be in order around the apartment. Well, as in order a place with no furnature and boxes and boxes of garbage in the kitchen can be.. I skipped class this morning to play housewife (ohh god the suburbs are getting to me), did some cleaning: scrubbed the bathtub, bathroom sink, kitchen counters, kitchen sink, balcony door and hung up my clothes. (Anyone who has seen my closet can understand why this task took me 2 whole hours to complete..) Also helped Jessy move in some of her stuff. I found out there was a very good reason why Josh disappeared with the keys, last night. So all is forgiven. And now..for homework. | Sunday, March 06, 2005 Still locked out of the apartment. Feeling accutely homicidal. |
Okay, I'll be honest, borderline exhibitionistic. Here is what's pissing me off: Today- I woke up in Jason's bed. I placed my lips on his and watched his eyes flash open like a pair of summer skies. I was glad it was noon so I could get back to the apartment early enough to do the billions of things I needed (and still need) to do: such as clean the kitchen and bathroom, hang up my clothes, dye my hair, do my homework. Upon turning into my complex, though we noticed that something was missing. A bright blue something. Those fuckers towed my car!! Yeah, I hadn't paid for my parking sticker, yet so I parked in what I thought was a visitor spot.. S'pose it wasn't. $150 and priceless squabbling later, we got my car back. Now- Time to play my favorite game: Where's Josh? He always runs off with our only set of apartment keys. Jessy says we should put a red and white striped shirt on him so we can find him easier, sort of like Where's Waldo. As if the pin-striped suit, pink tie and gobs of eyeliner aren't conspicuous enough! Good news- I put more minutes on my phone. Feel free to call me again. | Saturday, March 05, 2005 Don't let the happy posts fool you. I am still cursed and doomed and my life still sucks. | Friday, March 04, 2005 Another mild morning. Ahhh... Went to a magazine thingy at Hothouse, last night. Will start submitting stories and even poems *gasp* because I'm a writer and that's what I do. Because I'm a writer and that's what I do. Because I'm a writer and that's what I do. Because I'm a writer and that's what I do. (Just have to keep telling myself that so I remember and don't neglect my art.) Tonight, my sweetie is taking me to see Mitch Hedberg. Oh...god that's gonna be fun. I will laugh my ass off! What should I eat for lunch? | Thursday, March 03, 2005 ManicHaaze: we should have fun work tomorrow together ScorpionHela: yay fun work! ManicHaaze: last week was sex toys! this week can be..... ManicHaaze: actual sex?!?!? ManicHaaze: yeeeah ScorpionHela: YESSSSS!!!!!!!! ManicHaaze: hehe yeeeaaaaah ManicHaaze: "welcome to the lab!" (lick, kiss, nibble, bite) |
OH SUCH GORGEOUSNESS! It's not fatally freezing outside for the first time in 5 hundred billion years!!!!! I can feel it coming on..the manicness tickling all throughout my nerves.. Ohh what a good day! Had a nightmare free sleep, woke up to sunshine over my head and someone I love right next to me, snoring his cute little greaser head off. Drank coffee, drove real fast down the highway in my pretty blue car. Now I'm at work, got a lot of great input on my writing in class, yesterday and am all pumped to add more to Happy Hour. But a certain someone neglected to tell me a certain tiger striped gun weighs 10 pounds! Geez how's my character s'posed to hide that!? Oh yeah, I made up a new word yesterday: Dildew. It's the mildew that grows on dirty dildos. I told this word to the underage boys in my living room and they all went "ewwww!" hehehe Also, happy birthday Mr. Jones. =) | Wednesday, March 02, 2005 *reads over last post* yeah, way to alienate your audience, Allison.. | Tuesday, March 01, 2005 I don't know why I'm always so shocked when things go to shit overnight. Anybody got $350 I can borrow?? |
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