I was 7. It was my acting debut as caveboy "Little Grunt" in the school play.
My costume was nothing more than a thick, brown blanket.
As part of my role, I squatted down to start a fire with a pair of twigs.
And squatted a little too wide..
The kids in the audience saw my undies
and laughed and laughed..
And that day, I became a writer.
or
Prehistory According to Allison Quick
Have you ever thought about who you'd be in prehistoric times? Back before language, schools and the tedium of modern thought? Your lot in life would be cast by your body type. Take me for example: I'm fairly attractive, have wide hips and can't run very fast. Chances are, I'd never see the sun. I'd be closed away in a cave with my 15 children, all by different caveman dads. This also explains my protective nature. How the one time I was arrested for violence, it was not in self-defense, but because the fucker was teasing my friends. Mess with me? Whatever, I can take it. Mess with anyone close to me, and I'll give you a concussion. Could be a left over instinct from when I had to protect my cave full of children. Skinny, waif-like women were probably not the sex symbols they are today. A caveman's goal with sex was to pass on his seed. He wouldn't choose to squirt it inside a girl who looked like she could break. So the skinny girls were gatherers, the ones sent to collect nuts and berries for the poor suckers like me, stuck having babies in the cave. Floating quick and light through the woods, the skinny girls could outmanuver snakes and mountain lions. Now-a-days, we call them yuppies and they do quite well in the business world. Likewise, skinny men were the hunters. A mixture of strength and stealth. They invented tools and weapons. Today, we know them as nerds. They satisfy the hunter instinct with video games. And of course, there were warriors. Men so cruel, only human men could give them the fight they craved. They spent their days wandering to the lands of other tribes, raping, pillaging, etc.. Then would arrive home to feast and impregnate me with child number 16. As quick as he could, before I reached for my club. Heh heh. As for fat men, they were ill-suited for hunting and fighting. They got bored. So they invented art, specifically humor. Think of the most creative, entertaining men you know. Chances are, they're big guys. We have fat men to thank for bringing us out of the cave days, for making life about more than just eating and breeding. Some people were caught between the body types. Men who were somewhere between inventor-hunter and entertainer developed religion and philosophy, mixtures of science and art. Men who were somewhere between inventor-hunter and warrior became the tribe leaders. And of course, there were Amazonian huntress type women who superceded the gatherer/breeder female dichotomy (they probably had a hell of a time). I'm rather glad to be here in the day of college and birth control. I can run through the woods like a skinny girl, make art like a fat man. But still, I'm cursed with attracting warriors. The meaner the man, the more I seem to want him, and vice versa.
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