Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Crazier than Ever

I've supposedly become so calm and sweet. I go through most of my days feeling careless and content. Seems I've finally learned to chill. This is good. This is healthy, right? I'm all better now.

NO! This is the craziest I've ever been!

I'm terrified of sadness, of disappointment, of pain so I don't do anything.
I don't write, I don't love, I work as few hours as possible.
Still, I see friends, I read, I go for walks in nature. But my life doesn't really transcend enjoyment. To do so, a person needs meaning.

But to have a meaning is to have something or someone you would die for, you would live for. Passion brings the potential for suffering.

So while I go on about how I'm avoiding relationships, avoiding over-working myself, avoiding being so god damn restless and loony, under the guise of self-protection, it's all crap. It's a cop out.

I need to do something scary. Not physically scary, but something that will test my emotions, re-light the fire under my ass. I need Kali Ma to dance upon my chest again.

I have been her. But how to invoke her?
posted at 10:28 PM |