Monday, March 27, 2006

1983

Piggy bends over and says, "So if I let you do me in the butt, you'll be my friend forever and ever? Really!? Okay!"

In the Asian zodiac, I'm a pig. A "water boar" to be exact.

Which means people born in 1983 tend to carry the more emotional traits of the boar. We're naive and gullible, regardless of life experience. Generous to a fault if you get on our good side. Senselessly loyal. A boar will be friends with you for years, even if she hates your guts. Any boar you know probably has a collection of ex flames who she can't quite bear to part with, and vice versa.

We are cultural, but in a general, somewhat superficial way. A Japanese proverb says boars are "wide in the face, but narrow in the back". We can name hundreds of bands we like, but only a few songs by each. (Note: MTV came out in 1983 and brought the music and film worlds to new lows of shallow). We've read tons of books, but couldn't quote a passage from a single one to save our pig-slop.

Boars are charming and funny. We like to flirt and tell dirty stories. But to a stranger, the boar can seem quiet and maybe a little stupid. If you chill with a boar, the night will most likely consist of eating, drinking and talking. A boar will give you a sip of her drink, a bite of her food, will gladly do the driving. But do not take advantage of her generosity. Once the boar senses you're using her, she'll hand you your testicles on a plate and kindly show you to the barn door. The boar is unforgiving. She has to be, or she'll get eaten.

Boars are paranoid. They don't trust easy. They can never be too sure who's their real friend and who's out to make them into a pork chop. There's another proverb that says people will help the boar only to fatten her up so she'll make a better feast, come new years. Asian New Years usually happens around late January. So those of us at the end of 83 (like me, born in November) or the beginning of 84 are extra gullible, extra succeptable to getting tricked.

Boars get along best with dogs and rabbits. Also rats and goats. Most of my friends are dogs and rats (1982 and 84). Boars get along worst with snakes and sometimes have difficulty with other boars.

So yeah, I don't know where the hell I'm going with this, but it was fun to write.

Maybe I can get a job writing placemats for Chinese restaurants. hehe

posted at 4:16 PM |