Jonah Falcon, Be My ValentineYou're the man with the largest penis in the world. And I'm the strangest girl in the whole United States (if you don't count California). Even if you have a Valentine for tomorrow, you should ditch them and hang out with me, instead. We're perfect for each other. Let me explain. I watched a documentary about you, last night. And just so you know, I wanted you for my Valentine before I ever laid my pretty green eyes on your ginormous schlong. It was something about that adorable, smart-ass look on your face when you said, "A veterenarian said I was hung like a pony." I know people give you shit because you haven't sold your screenplay (Jonah: Confessions of a Horse-Hung Boy), because you still live with your mom, because you go out to clubs in a pair of silver lycra bike shorts even though you're getting old and fat. But those things don't faze me. I frequently end up the lover of frustrated screenwriters and aging club scum. I guess you could say you're my "type". One time you told a magazine, "I've spent my life doing whatever people wanted sexually to get them to notice me. I'm desired and I'm wanted, but I'm also invisible. Most people really don't see me at all." And I totally understand, since I'm the same way. So don't worry. You'll never have that problem with me. I'll always take you seriously as an actor and writer, not just as a man with a mammoth wang. I have to admit, your 13 and a half inch boner would probably hurt like hell. But I'm sure with enough lube, nothing will rip too bad. It's just is the chance I'm willing to take to have you as my Valentine, Jonah Falcon. You make blue dophins turn bright gray with envy. Horses whinny and hide in the stables when you pass. Be mine. Love, Allison Quick the Assassin
|
|
