lake allison

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Usually, I don't write shit like this.
And no, I'm not really this angry. I don't follow the advice I've given below.
It's just sarcasm from the shaky fingers of a girl who's been far too kind to the male species.
That said, here's..

How To Keep a Man

It's almost a law of nature. When you really like a man and treat him nothing but sweetly, he will undoubtedly take your existance for granted and eventually ditch you for some catty cunt who treats him like toilet paper. And meanwhile, the ones you can't stand will devotedly call you 18 times a day.

I too have found myself prey to this painful paradox. Recently, I fell in love and proceeded to act like a doormat. Of course, I was stomped on. By a very shiny pair of platform boots.

And it led me to remember this conversation I had with my grandpa before he died. My grandpa was an old-school Chicago Italian. He'd been married 3 times and knew a thing or two about relationships. Over a deep dish pizza, he gave me some good advice about men.

"Allison," he said, "Always remember that you have power over men. Never let them forget who's in charge." I shrugged off the advice as 1950's drivel. Modern relationships are about equality, right?

Fucking wrong!

You don't have to get stomped on and ignored any longer.
By analyzing what I and other girls have done to lose and keep men, I've compiled the following tips:

DO pick stupid fights. Be finicky. Let the little things bug you, even if they don't. Pretend that you hate his shirt, tell him he kept you up all night with his snoring. Wait a few hours to call him back. When you go out together, act bored sometimes. Make him take you to 3 restaurants before you finally sit down to dinner. Men love a challenge, they love to feel useful. Make him win you. But when he's facing big problems, always be sweet and supportive. Be there for him when his dad gets cancer, when his dog runs away. Be an angel when it counts.

DO withold sex. Every night in bed should be an auction, with him bidding for entrance to the golden gates that are your thighs. Even if you want it SO bad and your panties are oozing with cream, let him lay there with a boner, sometimes. If you fuck him every night, he'll expect it. He'll get bored if he doesn't have to work for it. (Men were made to work.) When it comes to oral and anal sex, use them as special treats to reward him when he does something especially sweet. Remember, nice girls hate to give head.

DON'T LET HIM TALK ABOUT HIS EX!! If you're like me, you want to help those you love when they're hurting. But if you sit there like a fucking shrink or pet dog and listen to him pine for some long-lost bitch, you're propelling yourself down to friend zone. Or worse, you'll become the rebound slut. Even if you're not a jealous person, act jealous whenever he utters a female name. Even if she's a "friend". Even if they've been broken up for 5 years. Act like you can't fathom and won't tolerate the thought of him with another girl. Likewise, never mention your exes. This will lead him to believe that you can't fathom being with another man.

DON'T sleep around. Concentrate on one man at a time. It's essential to be the blameless victim at break-up time. Sleeping around will give him a reason to dump you, then be glad that you're gone. Ideally, you should be the bitch he pines for while stomping all over some other sappy chick.

DO be morally upstanding. You hate porn, strippers, prostitutes, girls with smutty myspace photos. Even if you don't, around him you should. Men may have plenty of fun with "that kind of girl", but they sure won't stay with her. (Believe me, I know.)

DO have issues. Hate your dad, or something like that. Be emotionally broken, but not so far gone it's hopeless. Men love to fix things.

DO/DON'T be a poser. Now, if you're into country music, don't scream along with his death metal songs. If you're a punk rocker, don't grow out your mohawk for some preppy pretty-boy. If you're Jewish, don't pretend to be a Satanist just to impress him. Relationships work best when you share similiar tastes and interests. But if there's a band he won't stop talking about, it's a good idea to download a few of their songs. If there's a book he quotes all the time, read it. Mirror his style. If he tends to wear a lot of blue, wear red. If he's a flashy charmer, tone yourself down. Don't steal his spotlight. If he's quiet and subdued, be a non-stop laugh. Be his spotlight.

DO ingratiate yourself with his friends and family. Make them say you're, "such a sweet girl". He'll listen to them. But don't get too close. Don't worm your way into his social group. That will scare him off.

DON'T let him break up with you first. If you feel like things are falling apart, get out. Be the dumper and keep your dignity.

So rather than acting like a doormat, act like a Persian rug. Something delicate and lovely that deserves and demands special care. Something that can be treasured forever. Something he wouldn't dream of wiping his boots on.

Even if it requires all these mind games. Even if you feel terribly fake and cruel. I wish there were some other way. But men find kindness contemptable.

Honestly, if you can follow the DOs and DON'Ts I've listed above, if you can act that catty and cold toward someone you love, you're a detestable porcupine of a girl.

But you'll probably keep your man.

Addendum: It's a gross generalization to say these theories and techniques only work on men. Girls are attracted to selfish jerks, as well.

posted at 7:59 PM |

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