Last night. Porn shop. 4am.

dis is the porn shop calling. yeah, yeah, we have your porn. we deliver. we just, we just gotta take the pictures first. uh dis is the porn shop. we have some porn for you, some porno. hello?

So after weeks of my repeating the phrases above in a deep and lispy voice, we finally went there. To the porn shop, that is. At 4am, after bondage night, after watching long haired doms in latex whip and pour hot wax on sucker after skinny sucker..

When you walk in, the door makes a funny dinging sound. The selection is relatively vanilla. Young chicks, black chicks, asian chicks, gay, ass, feet. Nothing violent. No fisting or cages or ball gag porn. Well, maybe a little ball gag porn.

There is a dildo as big as my leg. Lifelike, with veins and all. Christmas music plays over the speakers in the store and I fantasize about beating someone to death with the dildo as big as my leg.

We pick out a 3 pack of fetish magazines and a movie called Chubby Young Chicks. Also, an electric egg vibrator thingy. It's shiny and silver. I love eggs so, so much (which you know if you saw the runny yolk streaks on the walls of my old apartment).

In the check-out line, some guy in a fur coat is trying to convince the clerk to give him free lube. "C'mon, you can't hook a brother up with some lub-ri-cation!" while at the same time stuffing packets of sexual stimulant pills in his pocket. "That man was stealing stuff." "Those pills don't work anyhow."

Vibrating egg in my panties as I drive, trying to, trying not to hit things. 60mph on Lake Shore Drive. If I could die on any road, that'd be it. With the vibrating egg in my panties. Thoughts of a JG Ballard book. "Have you read Crash? It's about these people who get in car crashes for erotic gratification." "Please don't. I'm not into that."

We got home safe and you can't know the rest.