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lake allison
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Thursday, September 01, 2005

I stepped onto the trail. Walked and breathed the super oxygen from the trees. Ooh head rush! Specks of light popped through the canopy above, blinked on the dirty forest floor. I turned to see if I'd gone far enough, to make the parking lot disappear and holy shit! There was this dude behind me. He was wearing white pants, for fucksake! I don't trust any man in white pants.
So I ran. I had a plan. Deeper and deeper into the woods, leaping over tree roots, rotting logs until I was sure I'd lost him. I chose a stick from the ground, one thick on the bottom and narrow at the top. A perfect club. I turned around, walked back toward the dude in the white pants, my attacker, surely here to chase me into the forest, where he would pin me to the dirt, spread my knees and have my little body as a receptacle for his filthy dick-barf.

Like I said, I had other plans.

I'd get to him before he got to me.

I crept back down the trail toward him. What I'd do is go for his face with the club and go for his balls, bagged in those silly white pants, with my knee. I'd bite what ever my teeth could reach. If that didn't work, if he got me anyway, I'd shit all over his cock and his thighs. I heard that trick in some women's self-defense class.

Huh? But he wasn't running toward me, wasn't chasing me down the path, drooling with a boner like I'd thought. Instead he was standing, back to the trail, in front of a tree. His shoulders bent so slightly forward. Ha ha! He was taking a piss!

It's so fucking funny how men pee. Girls sit down. It seems normal enough, like any other chair. But men, it's just so silly. Squirting that floppy hose, bent in that animal posture. I always got put in time out when I was a toddler, for bursting in on the boys at preschool when they peed. They'd see me and scream and lose their grip and squirt. I'd giggle and giggle. It was just so funny.

So I stood there on the trail and watched this guy pee, the big stick still in my hand. He shook off and zipped and started back through the trees, toward the parking lot. I tiptoed behind him. I guess he felt my eyes burning into the back of his neck, cuz he turned around and his face shot full of color. His eyes popped wide and I half-expected him to shriek. I knew the thrill of cops and photographers. Ha ha you're busted, man! You silly man with white pants and gray hair. You're not so scary. I saw you pee!


posted at 9:00 PM |

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