We all know I am an unreliable narrator. And sort of a scumbag, sometimes. I'm trying to get better about these things, to calm down and find some stability in myself. I know it's my responsibility to improve and accepting help from friends, now and then is okay.. but sometimes it goes too far and I am sucked into co-dependencies. I attract Fixers who promise that they have the answer to all of my problems, that they can whip my life into shape by dictating my every action and keeping close watch of me 24/7. They run my life so they don't have to run their own. And silly me, I fall for it nearly every time. They strike when I've just gone through some messy fight with a friend or lover. They seem so sweet at first. Finally, someone who cares about me. Someone who won't hurt me like so-and-so did. Someone who will keep me from going crazy and will make those oh-so-difficult life choices for me. Soon after, I find that my Fixer is not perfect. They have their own big issues to solve. I find this endearing and then try to fix them, as well. Now we are full blown co-dependents. The archetypal "blind leading the blind". The following phenomena then take place: 1. I ditch my personal goals/aspirations for new plans that revolve around the other person. In my head, I tell myself it's because "they know best". 2. I rarely talk to my other friends. When I do, it's brief and strained. I don't return their calls and emails. 3. If anyone close to me points out that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, I snap at them and defend my co-dependent at all costs. 4. I start doing things I don't like to do, to please my co-dependent. Like going to emo shows, despite my distaste for whining and horn-rimmed glasses. Conversely, my co-dependent starts doing things they don't like in order to please me. Like going on walks in the woods, despite their pathological fear of insects. 5. I don't write and I start to eat too much. "He'll love me even if I'm fat and lazy." Now that I've noticed this pattern in myself, maybe I can prevent it from happening again. It's not like my life is ruined, but I'm certainly set back a few months. If you see this happening to me and say so, as mentioned in #3 above, I will probably yell at you. =/ So don't try to fix me. Just be my friend. And I'll figure things out on my own, eventually.
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