Today I rewrite the mermaid story. Here's an excerpt, tell me what you think. “Greetings aquatic enthusiasts! My name is Sam Delphis. I work at the Glenn Aquarium. As a marine biologist, I am well versed in the mating habits of many aquatic mammals. There’s the female dolphin, whose pulsing vaginal muscles can squeeze a thunderous orgasm from her mate. The blue whale, whose penis shoots 400 gallons of sperm with each ejaculation. But today, I am here to discuss the mating habits of a very special creature. The magical, singing ladies of the sea. Folklore has dubbed them mermaids.” Sam’s audience of Oscar fish waved their fins in applause. He could see the lanky, cream-colored form of his naked body in the reflection of their fish tank. Behind him was the reflection of his apartment. It was nearly as bare as Sam was. White walls, a couch, a TV. Sam continued his speech. “The first step is to find a mermaid. And yes they do exist. You can track one down the old-fashioned way, by standing on the beach and blowing a conch shell. However, not everyone’s lungs have enough air pressure to coax a mermaid-alluring song from the discarded shell of a Strombus gigas Linne. I, myself have problems with it, so I found my mermaid on an Internet dating site. Contrary to what you may assume, mermaids do surf the net, as well as the tide. They have high-speed, wireless connections in their underwater castles.” The Oscar fish swam in circles around the mermaid statue stuck in the bright green gravel at the bottom of their fish tank. Sam went on. “Once you find your mermaid, once she follows the song of your conch, or once she responds to your online post and you spot her magnificent fin breaking the waves along the beach, you must woo her into making love with you. A good way to do this is bring her a fresh cooked lobster. Mermaids can’t really cook food down there in the briny deep, so they get absolutely horny over human dishes.” The Oscar fish popped open their puffy mouths as if to say, “Yes, it’s true. Underwater cuisine really bites. Sometimes literally, if you try to eat a feisty goldfish.” Sam watched his arms wave wildly in the tank’s reflection as he spoke. “If the mermaid is into you, she will begin to sing after feasting. A mermaid’s voice is such a powerful aphrodisiac that you will find yourself naked, splashing in the water beside her after only a few notes of her song. And let me tell you, each note lasts about 2 minutes. A heavenly warble, capable of shattering a greenhouse. Physiologically, mermaids can do this because they don’t need to breathe while singing. They have gills on their tails, so… well then, um…” Sam became flustered when he noticed his throbbing hard-on, poking toward the fish tank from his naked pelvis. The Oscar fish seemed to sense his arousal and swam in even faster circles, in blurs of shiny black and orange. “The first step is to locate the mermaids golden hole of paradise. Reach through the gills of her pelvis, she’ll giggle as you do this, until you feel the slick, strong muscles of her fishy vagina gripping your fingers. No lubricant or foreplay is needed, since you’re in the water, after all and your mermaid is already horny enough from the lovely food you brought her. Your penis will glide right in. You will feel her velvety membranes gulping at your member…” Sam stopped and began to pull at his cock. “Let the rhythmic flipping of her tail guide your thrusts. The slippery surface of her gills will rub against your testicles and thighs as you pump in and out of her colorful fin.” Sam yelped and jumped when he heard his apartment buzzer. He plucked his khaki shorts from the carpet and scrambled to pull them over his legs. He called through the intercom. “Who’s there?” “It’s Mel-o-dyyy!” a high, clear voice sang.
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