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Monday, October 31, 2005
It's Motherfucking HALLOWEEN Why the hell are you wearing blue jeans!?!? This is the day to celebrate everything creepy and weird. The one day of the year when you can be whoever you want. You can dress up as a toilet, a monkey, a beer keg. You can be a sexy nurse, a burn victim (with the help of a little make-up or some kerosene). You can even wear your pajamas and claim it's a costume. You can be a flapper, a zombie, an evil clown or President Bush (same thing). Or, like me you can be a PIRATE! YARRR! So if your lazy ass is sitting there in that same old hoodie you wear every day, you suck SUCK suck sucksucksucksuck!!!!!!!!!! Go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW and become a toilet paper mummy. Or at least take a sharpie and write on your shirt, "This is my costume." And eat some candy! Eat lots of candy!! I don't care if you're on the god damn Atkins diet. Atkins died and you'll die too, so eat your candy while you can. That is what Halloween is all about! I'll see if I can post a picture of me in my pirate costume, later on.. | Friday, October 28, 2005 Hey, weren't you all Cubs fans last year? | Thursday, October 27, 2005 I don't usually rant, but here's some Stuff I Fucking Hate - Aging Gen-Xers, pining for the good old days. "Oh boo hoo, we had such a strong community back then..." The 90's are over and Seattle lost. So throw out your flannel and move the hell on. -Impotent poets. Namely, all of them. - Suburban boys with sound systems in their cars that are worth more than the cars themselves. Example: Rusty old '87 station wagon, a hand-me-down from dad. You spent 500 bucks to get boom-boom speakers put in the trunk. It sounds great, but it still doesn't run. Why not use the money to buy a better car, instead? One that works? - Shaving my unibrow. I chopped the hell out of my face this morning, doing just that. - Coca-Cola. You have to drink 3 cans of the toxic swill to get a good caffiene buzz. Then after you drink them, you notice your teeth have desolved and your mouth is full of yellow stubs. - Ugly babies. If you're gonna scream and cry non-stop then shit your pants, at least have the decency to be cute. - Middle-aged dying memoirs. So you have breast cancer and your husband had a stroke. What makes you think I'd like to read about it? Especially since there's 8,000 other books out there about the same damn thing. -Rants. Pathetic and whiny, rarely funny. A subsitute for good writing, infesting otherwise interesting zines and blogs. I'll do my dear readers a favor and shut the fuck up now. | Monday, October 24, 2005 lake allison.. on paper! Okay, I know as of late my entries have been boring, cryptic or self-indulgent. But loyal readers, all 3 of you, I need your help. I'm making a print version of lake allison, taking the best entries from the past year and a half of blogging and arranging them into a nice paper zine I can leave alllll over the city, wherever a reading eye may glance. So if you have a favorite entry, one that made you laugh or want to put things in your butt, let me know. Leave a comment. |
I won't die in December. I got me some vitamin fortified gumballs. | Thursday, October 20, 2005 The Truth About Allison S It's recently been brought to my attention that there are many rumors and stigmas following me. You could say I have a bad reputation among my friends and classmates. These rumors are even common knowledge to various people I've never met before. Oh well, as they say (who's they?), any publicity is good publicity. I am a writer. I want people to know I exist. Still, I'd like to stick up for myself and clarify the reality of my past and my current situation. Rumor: I am a filthy slut and am fucking about 10 different people. Truth: A year ago, I was polyamorous. But it got confusing and awkward, so now I only have 1 boyfriend, who is absolutely awesome. I'm very happy and definitely not sleeping around. Rumor: That incident with the teacher and the cherry flavored popsicles.. Truth: Yes. But just that once, and not anymore. And the popsicles were grape. Rumor: I'm snobby and mean and full of myself. Truth: True. But if you're nice to me, I'll pretend I'm not. Rumor: I'm homeless. Truth: Also true. I don't have a stable home. Ever since I left my apartment, I've been bopping around between the couches and beds of my family and friends. But I've been working and saving up money so hey, anyone need a roommate? Rumor: I barfed in so and so's bathroom. Truth: Unfortunately true. I defiled plenty of bathrooms, back in my whisky days. As of late, I've switched to beer. Consequently, I've gained a few pounds but am no longer getting sick-pukey-drunk. And that's all I can think of now. If you've heard anything else, I'd like to know. | Sunday, October 16, 2005 I mean it for real, this time. | Friday, October 14, 2005 Vote! For Halloween should I be: 1. A sexy easter bunny 2. A sleazy French clown 3. A baby 4. Other (Specify) | Wednesday, October 12, 2005 By the way, Dopescrew 4 has been posted for your listening agony/enjoyment. I'm not in this episode.. but there's condom-pissing! So check it out! |
 Fucking hell, people! I'm not pregnant so shut up!And to prove it you can purchase an official Lake Allison used tampon, full of delicious Allison blood for only $2 (plus $18 shipping): Use the blood for cooking, smelling, painting, santeria! Or take the DNA and clone your very own Allison!! | Monday, October 10, 2005 DOLPHINS! and old men in schoolgirl skirts. Pick a link any link: 1. shiny shiny shiny WHEE!! I wanna ride in there. 2. Gentlemen, if you're wearing one of these, you will have to peel me off you. RAWR! 3. SHIIIIIINY!!!! And they sing Bat-maaaaaaaan! 4. I am so in love with the skort man. |
I drank some gatorade and ate a cheese sandwich. Now I feel better. |
I've been mysteriously sick lately. First, I lost my appetite for a week or two. Food just didn't smell or taste very appetizing. Now I am nauscous and spinning and feeling like I will soon erupt in a fountain of puke. oh god.. hold on I just barfed my guts out in the bathroom, here at school. I haven't eaten much today, so it was mostly oily yellow bile. Some of it came out my nose and it stung. But I feel a little better now. Something is very wrong. | Thursday, October 06, 2005 I am losing my mind again. Here's how I can tell: 1. It's a windy cold day and I'm wearing the shortest skirt I own. I didn't realize this was a problem until some random guy in the Loop was like, "Damn baby, aren't you cold?" Then I realized, "Why yes, I am cold. Fuck! My butt is numb because I'm only wearing half a skirt." Stupid stupid me! I waddled to school, holding my skirt down over my thighs as the wind tried to lift it. Now I'm sitting here at work in the computer lab. I feel like everyone's staring at me because my god damn skirt is too short, but they're not. I have to go the whole day in this skirt, through work and through class, with this paranoia. I guess if I wasn't worried about this, it'd be a worse sign. 2. Last night, I got put in the sleeper hold until I passed out. The scary thing is, I enjoyed it. Even scarier, it wasn't sexual. It was for art! I liked being dead for a couple of seconds. | Tuesday, October 04, 2005 Today I spilled juice all over my legs. Now they're sticky and taste like grape. |
The castle my ancestors lived in. Somewhere along the line, someone fucked up. That should be my castle. I NEED a moat! |
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