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Friday, September 30, 2005
 Stinging Caterpillars!  This morning, on my porch I saw this fucking thing!!A green stripe tube of goo. Like some kind of living candy that's bad to eat. But.. with a stinger!!! It's called a hornworm. It's devouring our tomato plants. It's so damn cute!! The stinger is harmless, it's just for show. You can't see from these pictures, but the hornworm's front legs are black and white striped. I wanted to take it inside and keep it in a jar. I could stare at it's pretty colors, until it turned brown and died. But no. The hornworm must be free in the tomato plants so it can turn into a lovely hummingbird moth. | Wednesday, September 28, 2005 The rain makes me cry. |
Okay, I haven't done that "pick 10 people and write secret messages to them" thing in a while and I sure won't do it today. But here's 5. And none of them are to you. 1. I want to be a pretensious piece of shit like you. I want to wear a denim jacket, too. I want to look past you when I talk. I want to publish a zine and only take 2 stories per issue so I can reject people less fucking cool than me. 2. You asked who it was. Well, it's me. I'm quite a fan of your emo life. I like to explore the tweaked-out inside of your head. Though I'll probably never talk to you in person. 3. Alright, I admit. I still have dirty dreams of you. One dream keeps recurring. I wake up in your bed. I snuggle close to you and take your cock in my hand, then work it up and down until you wake up, hard and smiling. Remember how I used to do that? Then we'd fuck, half asleep, half ecstatic. 4. You look really fucking scrawny. Are you back on heroin? Ha ha, just joking. You look great, keep up the heroin. Let's talk sometime. 5. I wrote a slanderous story about you and didn't change your name. | Sunday, September 25, 2005 Some cunt tried to steal my cat. If I find her, I'll slaughter her. | Thursday, September 22, 2005 Revenge of the Bright Blue Speedo So I got home tonight after a long, exhausting day of learning about opression (ahh, art school..) and opened the front door, just in time to see my dad bolt across the house in the infamous BRIGHT BLUE SPEEDO! AHH! The back door was open. And I was like, "Dad, who's in the backyard?" I suspect he was with the lady next door. | Wednesday, September 21, 2005
This dude in Germany had a zoo of exotic insects in his house. Just tanks everywhere, filled with bug after creepy bug. There were even tanks in the bathroom. This guy loved his bugs. One day, while cleaning the cages, he got bit by his favorite black widow spider. He cursed the spider, "Arschgesicht![1]" And smashed the black and red globe of its torso with his boot. Then instantly dropped to his knees and sobbed, because he'd just killed his dearest friend. He felt so bad about killing that spider, he laid down in bed and let himself die. And I guess nobody noticed for a while. His body was found eaten by his beloved collection of bugs. Parts of him were munched away. Gangrenous flaps of flesh hung like drapes over deep, gooey trenches dug in his torso, filled with quivering maggots and other insect larva. Bug bites put a rug of red bumps on his skin. Beetles nested comfortably in both his intestines. [1] Assface Oh yeah, and DopeScrew 3: Slugturds has been posted. | Sunday, September 18, 2005 Perverted Nursery Rhymes by Allison at age 16 I wrote these in high school, found them while going through old journals. Some are funny, some are just bad and some will make you ask, "what were you on?" The answer is: 100mg Zoloft 80mg Wellbutrin 900mg Lithium Carbonate 800mg Seroquel 100mg Topamax With that said.. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch an 8th of weed Jack fucked Jill, a virgin still It's good she didn't bleed! Hickory dickory dock the bitch, she sucked my cock I'd had enough, she was so rough she left a hickory on my dickory dock (WTF?) Humpty Dumpty went to the store then to the landfill with a whore All the king's horses and all the kings men found him doing humpty at the dumpty again Old King Cole liked a very stretched hole and a very stretched hole liked he He called for his pipe he called for his bowl He smoked as he butt-fucked me What are little girls made of? Two big bumps and a warm hole to hump That's what little girls are made of What are little boys made of? Balls that ache and a frightening snake That's what little boys are made of Twinkle twinkle little slut how I'd like to lick your butt Up above my head so high fishy cunt between two thighs Oh where, oh where has my dildo gone? Oh where oh where could it be? It's not in my ass, or in my cunt or in the hole where I pee There was an old woman who lived in a trailer she was fucked by a dirty old sailor He finished before she felt his dick She slapped him and said, "god damn, you're quick!" | Saturday, September 17, 2005
 Inane! Rambling! Rarely Updated! THE BLOG AHHHHH!!!!! I ordered this shirt from tshirthumor.com heh heh and it came in the mail today. In world news, I lost my job. It was outsourced to Thailand. One more American student unemployed. One more sweat shop to replace her. | Thursday, September 15, 2005 I love orange juice, don't you? | Tuesday, September 13, 2005
 Rabies I finally got it!! I asked this cute little bloodthirsty bat to bite me. And he did! It's really fun. My mouth is nice and creamy all the time. Now give me your blood. NOT WATER! NOO! GET THAT SCARY CLEAR STUFF AWAY FROM ME! Just a big warm glass of blood. Thanks. | Monday, September 12, 2005 ReMeMbEr iN tHe 90's WhEn wE UsEd tO tYpE LiKe tHiS?? Uh.. heh heh, don't mind me.. it's a weird day. Henry Rollins comes to my school tonight. I'll let you know if anybody in the audience gets punched. I swear I'll write a real post, soon enough. I've just been insanely busy with school, work, blaaaaahh.. I finally got rabies. | Wednesday, September 07, 2005 This is so fucking hot, I've been watching it over and over: Holy cum! THREE NIPPLES! | Monday, September 05, 2005 A Night at Home Dad stumbles in the front door with a mostly empty jug of wine and a cup. Me: Uh.. where were you? Dad: Oh, just walking around the neighborhood.. Sister: With a jug of wine? Dad: Looks at sister's shirt. What's on your shirt? Sister: Corona. Dad: That's beer. You're too young for beer. Stumbles off to bedroom with the jug. | Thursday, September 01, 2005
I stepped onto the trail. Walked and breathed the super oxygen from the trees. Ooh head rush! Specks of light popped through the canopy above, blinked on the dirty forest floor. I turned to see if I'd gone far enough, to make the parking lot disappear and holy shit! There was this dude behind me. He was wearing white pants, for fucksake! I don't trust any man in white pants. Like I said, I had other plans. I'd get to him before he got to me. I crept back down the trail toward him. What I'd do is go for his face with the club and go for his balls, bagged in those silly white pants, with my knee. I'd bite what ever my teeth could reach. If that didn't work, if he got me anyway, I'd shit all over his cock and his thighs. I heard that trick in some women's self-defense class. Huh? But he wasn't running toward me, wasn't chasing me down the path, drooling with a boner like I'd thought. Instead he was standing, back to the trail, in front of a tree. His shoulders bent so slightly forward. Ha ha! He was taking a piss! It's so fucking funny how men pee. Girls sit down. It seems normal enough, like any other chair. But men, it's just so silly. Squirting that floppy hose, bent in that animal posture. I always got put in time out when I was a toddler, for bursting in on the boys at preschool when they peed. They'd see me and scream and lose their grip and squirt. I'd giggle and giggle. It was just so funny. So I stood there on the trail and watched this guy pee, the big stick still in my hand. He shook off and zipped and started back through the trees, toward the parking lot. I tiptoed behind him. I guess he felt my eyes burning into the back of his neck, cuz he turned around and his face shot full of color. His eyes popped wide and I half-expected him to shriek. I knew the thrill of cops and photographers. Ha ha you're busted, man! You silly man with white pants and gray hair. You're not so scary. I saw you pee! |
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